Finding your way

Self-Worth

/ Chloe Kyle / 4 Comments

Who told you that self-worth is a reward to be gained,

A career to be climbed, a family to tend to, 

A house to maintain, good deeds to be done. 

A colourful array of bright badges to pin on your chest?

N. D. Vector

It’s simply untrue: upside down, inside out.

Self-worth can’t be garnered in this outer world of endeavour.

It’s the most precious, innate seed of divinity,

Imprinted in the depths of your unique essence.

Life is your invitation to unravel the layers of illusion,

Of what you are not: a wife, husband, parent, sister, brother, teacher,

A gargantuan task of unlearning habits, shedding concepts,

In order to awaken to the luminous gift that you are.

Precious One, find this magnificent sacred treasure within.

Nurture it with attentive devotion.

Make life a practice of becoming,

A Presence reflective of your true potency.

Play your part in divine creation.

Value your worth, 

Unlock your wisdom, your power, your love,

And shine your truth on the world.

Comments most welcome

A Prelude to Spring

/ Chloe Kyle / 4 Comments

As the snowdrops, crocuses and daffodils begin to shoot,

I wonder at the journey they’ve taken,

The months of stillness under the cold, dark winter soil, 

Safe in their protective bulbs.

Olga Solodenko

The multitude of worms and bugs moving the earth,

The rainwater and snow melt seeping down,

To nurture the seeds, soften their shells,

Nature’s unseen orchestra in action—a prelude to spring.

At times, I too, sit in glacial, bleak darkness,

Entrapped by long-held barriers of protection—

Fear, anger, judgement, undue attachments—

Binding my light, suffocating my soul.

Until I heed the whisper of Grace within,

To surrender to this uncomfortable unwrapping,

Allow His warm rays of Love to soften my hard edges,

Shower every defensive fibre with truth and clarity.

For this, Grace murmurs, is a sacred inner process.

A peeling away of long-held layers of attitudes and beliefs,

To reveal the divine root of essence,

Become the magnificent truth which I am.

I break free from the shackles of winter hibernation,

Rise up in Love through the rich soil of life,

Pierce through great clods of illusion,

Into the clear air of a bright new day.

Vibrant shoots of green pierce through the earth,

Survive onslaughts of frost, wind and rain.

Lithe stems grow up to the light, strong and true.

Jubilant flowers of white, purple, yellow begin to open.

I look down at my feet in the late winter snow,

Tilt my head up to the first rays of spring sun,

Feel the kiss of Grace on my forehead,

Ripples of Love vibrating through my Being.

A glorious awakening: radiant buds of eternal joy.

Comments most welcome

A Practice in Liberation

/ Chloe Kyle / 6 Comments 
I know how the darkness beckons you sometimes,
How you turn your back on the light.
I know how you walk down paths you know you shouldn't,
How you lose yourself in labyrinths of grief and despair.
I know you see your well-trodden habits and want to change them,
How you're done with reliving these painful patterns,
How you're oh so weary of your worn-out ways of being.
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I know you feel empty at times, like you exist in a void,
With life twirling around you, always just out of reach.
I know you wallow too long in pools of fear and shame,
Stuck in the abyss between who you currently think you are,
And the deeper truth of whom you know yourself to be.
I know there are parts of you that you don't love,
That have plundered your joy as you exiled them away.

I know too that you've felt the kiss of Grace ignite inside you,
How you've soaked in the abundance of trust and love that reside within,
I know you can believe yourself full, rise-up out of this darkness,
For you are not flawed, damaged or failing in feeling this pain.
When fear debilitates, loneliness blinds, despair dampens,
You are being blessed with a divine invitation to love Grace more,
To replace self-judgement with His most gentle and loving embrace.

Welcome these dark, banished corners of yourself,
Listen, comfort, forgive, re-member and restore His love within,
Feel how this awakens all the cells in your body as they vibrate in jubilation and awe,
So you can dance more gracefully and play more joyfully with all the richness of life.
The dark, the light; the fear, the courage; the resistance, the acceptance-
Rise above all of it, a taste of heaven as you regain your divinity,
Where the shadows pulling at your feet, are mere tickles at your toes.

Dearest One, everything is just fine. It's all a practice in liberation.

Comments most welcome.

The Inner Jungle Trail

/ Chloe Kyle / 2 Comments 
Why were we told that success is outside of us?
A mountain of achievements to be climbed.
To thrive at school, in a career, a relationship, as a parent, in life,
Is to strive, through hard-earned effort,
To reach for an ever more distant star.
Stock Photo
Why were we told that accomplishment is a series of accolades?
An amassing of things; a job, a house, a family, a status, an identity,
To swaddle around ourselves, like pretty coverings of shiny gift wrap,
Glittering baubles and eye-catching bows,
To better present ourselves to the world.

Why were we told that God is outside of us?
A man in the clouds, gazing down on His creation.
That to reach Him is through penance or prayer,
A following of rites and rituals, led by others with others, for others,
In a church, a temple, an ashram, built to commune with this Other.

Only to discover that these are all dead ends, avenues of hope to exhaust,
Purposefully placed to bring us to our knees,
So we feel the despair of not finding our raison d’etre,
The bewilderment of having nowhere left to turn. 
For only now, in this dark pit of desperation, are we ready to heed the Call.

A murmur in our consciousness suggests the secret lies inside,
That true wealth is in the realisation of this journey.
These layers of gift wrap are just gaudy distractions,
This Path one of detaching from all we hold dear,
Divesting oneself of beliefs and concepts of what and how life should be.

Gone is the tidy road of dos and don’ts.
This is no clear, well-trodden track we walk with others.
It’s a sprawling tangled mass, in which lifetimes have been invested in its spread.
Vines of desire, thorns of anger, sweet flowers of attachment are to be slashed away.
It’s an individual overgrown jungle trail, leading to one’s true self.

When I stop to listen to the sweet whispers of divinity within,
A beacon radiating waves of truth and love descends.
I stand still in the darkest parts of this tangled mess of me,
Shine light on my sharpest thorns of pain, my deepest roots of regret,
And welcome Love in here. This moment, this Love becomes my prize.

In gifts of revelations, new depths of understanding, forgiveness, humility,
The next knot to be untangled, weed to be uprooted, becomes clear.
My torch, my inner fire, burns brighter, heart aglow with new-found resolve.
The shedding of all I thought I was, gives way to growing realisations of who I am.
This inner Path of becoming Love Divine, is truly my richest reward.

If this post resonates with you, I’d love to hear, do comment.

This Sacred Road

/ Chloe Kyle / 2 Comments 
On this path of living my truth,
I bump into all the times I’ve been untrue:
The job endured because I felt I should,
The countless times I’ve said yes to please another,
When every cell in my body was screaming no.
Image: dugdax
The relationship severed and lost,
Because I lacked the courage to speak up,
Or spoke too freely, without discernment,
Of import, of kindness, of truth.
Each misstep, a bruise, a welt, a cut I carry still.

The heavy sandbags of grief, shame and despair,
The concepts I hold, built on values of family, society,
Of how life should be, form solid walls, 
A prison cell around my true self.
They bar my freedom, block my light.

I touch these tender purple lesions,
Soft abrasions, rubbed raw through time,
Deep gashes still bleeding hurt,
Untended wounds, too painful to clean,
And hold each one up to His loving gaze.

I thank each blunder for the blessing it bears,
The insight, the wisdom, the truth of what I am not.
The barricades begin to dissolve,
The bleeding stems, aches recede, and wounds start to heal,
Each scar a testament to this sacred road travelled.

If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear, do comment.

A Murmuration

/ Chloe Kyle / 3 Comments

As daylight fades, and thick grey clouds descend,

A handful of starlings swoop and twist

In perfect unison, a shape-shifting silhouette,

Against the burnished sunset sky.

Marshall Baron

In reciprocation to this flight of freedom, of joy,

More starlings gather and soar and dive,

An intricately coordinated pattern, a collective dance,

To fend off foe, defy the elements through exultant grace.

And I ask myself, is it like those whispers of clarity,

That fly into our awareness and demand,

That every cell inside wakes up and heeds the call,

To pursue our deepest truth?

Energy gathers, uprises to break free, from the binds of,

Overwhelming grief, crushing despair, or not feeling enough.

It fends off each unjust thought that cuts us down or puffs us up,

Discards all unworthy concepts that weigh less than true.

We parry and spar until this struggle becomes a dance.

 We rise in Grace, then plunge to cleanse the depths of our beings,

To soar again with an ever-increasing momentum, 

Of purity, of purpose, of lightness, in Love.

Hundreds of tiny beating wings rise up,

Emblazoned against the pink, orange, and golden hues of dusk,

Then plummet, invisible against the rippling green sea,

To swoop and rise again in a breath-stealing wonder.

A murmur, a wave, of sound, of dance, of song,

Gloriously pulsates in mesmerising harmony,

Lighting up the sky within, in a spectacle of rapture,

Before going home to roost.






If these words resonate with you, feel free to comment.

			

	


			
				


	

							
The Ultimate Treasure Hunt
						

			 / Chloe Kyle						 / Leave a comment
								

			


		

		
In the confines of our home,


We set a trail of clues for one another.


Each leading to a hidden spot in a different room,


Where a small chocolate and a further riddle awaits.


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Eyes alight with excitement, we puzzle our posers,


Forage fruitlessly, or gather gainfully.


Beset with impatience, we plead for help.


Until, spurred on by each unveiling,


 


By the joy from surprises gifted,


Our tireless wonder is rewarded.


We find, hidden behind the logs, or the curtain,


A magnificent Easter egg.


 


As lockdown continues, innumerable desires,


 Cry for my attention; to home-school more effectively,


Spring clean, teach online, study, garden, cook, play better with my son.


Each a seemingly urgent demand of action and effort.


 


Until, exhausted by the relentless juggle,


Beset by migraines, fatigue and allergies,


I check in with my marker, my inner guide.


And a glimmer of understanding shines through.


 


The next day, in the dappled sunlight of our local wood,


Brightly coloured ribbons hang from branches,


Chalked arrows inscribe tree trunks,


Indicators for countless paths, leading in myriad directions.


 


I now see that these are mere distractions,


Dead-end tracks, or entangling brambles.


Requisite diversions from the enchanted woodland clearings,


Borne through deep surrender within.


 


Aglow with the soft hue and gentle sway of bluebells,


The dazzling greens and abundant energy of spring,


I drink in His boundless Love, and a gem is revealed.


I see myself reflected in His radiance.


 


We try different tracks, miss markers, lose ourselves,


Distracted by balancing on branches, befriending robins.


Until, at the end of the pink chalk arrow trail,


We find a love heart etched on an upturned log.

			

	


			
				


	

							
The Master Puzzler
						

			 / Chloe Kyle						 / Leave a comment
								

			


		

		
Life is a giant jigsaw,


Thousands of motley shaped pieces;


 Work, family, home, hobbies, relationships,


I try to fit neatly together.


two hands connect the puzzle details, against the sky of the sun.
Image: stock photos


Constantly, I search for the next piece,


A new job, home, dress, diet,


To create a better picture,


Of what life should look like.


 


As I strive harder to find the right one,


To wedge that perfect looking job,


 Into other ever moving parts,


A growing sense of unease arises.


 


For I see that the picture guide,


My mind has been trained to create,


Through parents, school, generations of society,


Is fundamentally flawed.


 


The focus on the piece,


Choosing bright harmonic colours,


Instilled with significant content,


Yet shaped to be compatible,


 


Engenders a striving,


To find perfection in the fragment,


A resistance to viewing the bigger picture,


Where shadows compliment the light.


 


Each branch of the puzzle unending,


The pieces multiply with my attention.


The more I strive, the further and hazier,


The goal seems to be.


 


My attention stays stuck on the outer,


A perpetual desire to change the effect.


What if I change the image?


 Shift my focus to my inner Beloved?


 


Trust that He’s handed me,


 The perfect piece.


And ask for His Love,


 To help me place it.


 


 The one He hands me,


 Is not the easiest to place,


Or the prettiest to look at.


Not what I would have chosen.


 


A dark shadowy fragment.


Sharp edged and oddly angled,


Awkward to handle,


Ugly to the eye.


 


An irksome blast from my past,


 For so long avoided.


A relationship severed,


An attitude entrenched.


 


Through Love’s guiding hand,


These difficult parts of the puzzle,


Transform into the magnificence,


Of realisations hard won.


 


It’s not about the puzzle,


Or the picture it creates,


But seeing that in each conundrum given,


Lies the potential for Grace.


 


For each fragment of karma gifted,


 Becomes sacred when alchemised


By the well of Love within.


Bringing me closer….


 


To mastering the art,


 Of the Master puzzler,


Of becoming the force of Love,


 That guides the way.


 


 To stepping out of the never-ending


Enigma of life,


 And into the ultimate destiny,


Of my own divinity.



			

	


			
				


	

							
The Road Trip of a Lifetime
						

			 / Chloe Kyle						 / 6 Comments
								

			


		

		
Recently I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’. Right now, it’s like I’m parked in a Walmart carpark procrastinating about where to go next. Perhaps there are some great Walmart carparks out there, but you probably wouldn’t choose to hang out there for long. I’ve foolishly let myself run out of gas and this body of mine, my vehicle, keeps breaking down. This frustrating state of inertia urges me to reflect back on an awesome family road trip we did last summer and use it to contemplate my own inner journey.




We finally did it, the family road trip we’d been dreaming of, and it was magic. The Pacific Coast Highway opened up in front of us, jagged cliffs and wild sea interspaced by stretches of golden sand. The salty smell of the ocean air and broadness of the horizon in every direction gave us all a sense of openness and adventure. My husband and I shared the driving, our eight-year-old son, Theo, in the back.  We took turns to pick the soundtrack, choices ranging from classic road trip tunes to sing-alongs, audiobooks, or just the sound of the journey‑—the smooth engine humming and the rush of the ocean breeze past the open window.


Our vehicle, Midnight, was a black Chevy Express V8 with ‘ramblin’ vans’ written in neon-yellow writing down her side. She was pleasingly chunky, with perfect dimensions, subtly striking and just so thoughtfully kitted out. She oozed adventure and fun! As our travelling companion and home for 10 days, she exceeded our expectations. Her back seat folded down into a double mattress and she had a pop-up tent that sat on her roof. Neatly stacked in her boot was everything we could have possibly needed: bedding, deck chairs, a table, stove and propane with matches and lighters, pots and pans, cooler, washing up equipment, bin bags, a five-gallon water container fully loaded—you name it, she had it. There was even a Tupperware full of herbs and condiments.


Our first stop was Port Orford where Theo and I jumped breakers on the shore of the Pacific Ocean, and I swam. The bracing cold water, summer sun and gentle ocean breeze soothed and revitalised us all. Just ten miles down the highway, we leaned our bodies against the howling wind at Cape Blanco, the western most point of the USA, wrapped up warm in our coats and woolly hats — a world apart from the nearby cove.


A few days later we camped under the magnificent canopy of the Redwoods in Northern California. Trees, some over two thousand years old, towered over us, reaching up to over 300 feet, their trunks so big we could all fit inside a hollowed out one, with space for a handful more. Their serene majesty filled us with a sense of wonder and awe and made our existence seem insignificant.


My mind returns to the present…


As I walk under the autumnal deciduous canopy of our local woodland in southwest London, I contemplate my inner road trip and how to resolve this feeling of ‘being stuck’. It comes to me that Ned, the name I’ve given to my mind by the way, is in the front seat and he’s behaving like an adolescent teenager. At times he can be smart, fun and reasonable but recently he’s been so demanding, sulking and giving me ultimatums. Right now, he’s riled that I won’t let him drive.


To be fair I used to let him drive a lot, so I can see why he’s feeling ousted.  But I’ve come to understand that he kept taking me to dead-end places. Often, he’d take us on scenic routes and we had a lot of fun along the way, but the destinations were always underwhelming and left me feeling that I was on the wrong track. I’m at a place now where I sense I need to centre and navigate my true direction, and Ned’s not happy about that.


And then there’s Kendra in the back, who’s usually pretty chilled but she’s been impatient and irritated recently. She’s my emotional body and when she takes the driving seat it can be a bit of a rollercoaster. She can be wildly fun, but we might just end up in a ditch. She tends to sit in the back seat now and is normally pretty quiet but when our Midnight breaks down, this fragile body of mine, she finds it challenging. We’ve been breaking down an awful lot recently and Kendra’s not happy. Like a busted tap spluttering water, something’s blocking her flow.


And me, that little spark of soul that’s doing its best to shine, I’m in the driving seat. Now I know it’s where I’m meant to be; for too long I’ve been letting Ned drive. But I still feel like we’re going nowhere. I’m doing my best to appease Ned, whilst knowing the direction he suggests is unlikely to serve me. I’m simultaneously trying to calm Kendra, whose frustrations, often linked to Midnight’s constant breaking down, I’m unable to resolve. I’m up to my eyeballs with this situation. I’m no mechanic and I’ve taken it to so many experts with little avail. Try as I might I know that on my own I still haven’t mastered looking after this body of mine. I’m sore and achy—ragged with exhaustion and pain.


Oh, and I almost forgot, my Beloved spiritual guide, he’s sleeping in the back. I mean I know he’s there and I do check in on him fairly often. But I guess my attention has been so focused on Ned and Kendra and trying to work out a solution through appeasing them, that He’s taken a back seat and is having a snooze.


Again I reflect back on our family road trip…


We had a multitude of challenges, large and small along the way. When we arrived in the US, we were so tired from the ten-hour flight, we left a bag at the Portland airport. With Midnight to pick up and a tired but over-excited eight-year-old to cajole into sleeping, the thought of retrieving it weighed heavy. But we did, and the airport staff were lovely, so that picking up the bag couldn’t have been easier. Later, in Port Orford, I became unwell, so we had to change our plans and navigate the US medical system. But there was a thrill in the spontaneity, and we were rewarded by seeing two Grey Whales, spouting joyously in the Ocean just off Coos Bay. We nearly lost Theo when he went for a wild pee on a wooded clifftop overlooking the sea and slipped (we won’t dwell on that). But it reminded us of our mortality and sparked a gratitude in being alive.


On our longest journey, through Grant’s Pass, from the west coast Redwoods to Klamath Falls, smoke from the raging forest fires to the south tickled our nostrils and dried our throats. The scale of the devastation and destruction in stark contrast to the splendour of the forest we had savoured brought an appreciation of the fragile balance of nature and the inevitability of change. Somehow the challenges seemed to melt into insignificance in the bigger picture of an awesome adventure holiday. On that journey with a destination and a goal to chill, we lived in the moment and had fun along the way.


My mind returns again to my present walk in London…


I breathe deeply and soften, centering myself despite the noise, despite the pain. From deep within, a spark of inspiration rises to the surface and the solution comes to me. I need to take control of the places we have in the van. From now on, Ned and Kendra are in the back. They’re a part of me, so it’s not like I can turf them out. They’re in for the long haul.  But hell, I don’t want them in the driving seat any more, and not even riding up front. I’ll listen and engage with what they have to say. I know they can serve me well and I love them dearly.  I soften my gaze inwards and tap into the love that will turn my Beloved towards me. From now on, I need to keep his attention, because I want him awake and up front by my side.


This notion takes me back in time again…


Towards the end of our family road trip, we were awed by the depth and clarity of Crater Lake as we headed to our final camping place alongside the volcanic obsidian flow of East Lake. We bathed in the lake under the pink and golden hues of sunset. Theo invented a game of football for the three of us which we played in our plot amongst the trees. We savoured our last camp-side dinner together, sharing stories by the campfire. In the morning, hummingbirds frolicked joyfully by our side as we delighted in our breakfast in the sunshine. Our next stop was Bend where we returned Midnight and stayed with friends. A new phase of our adventure had begun.


Back in the London park…


At long last this ‘stuck’ feeling begins to shift. It’s like I’m finally driving out of the Walmart parking lot. My inner road seems unfamiliar and I falter, but my Beloved, sitting beside me now, smiles encouragingly. As we lock gazes inside, I’m reminded that if I keep Him close, He will flawlessly guide me through all terrains: When I take the wrong turn, He sets me back on track; when I’m breaking down, He gives respite to my pain; when I’m running on empty, He tops me up with gas, and when I let him be chief navigator, His direction is always true. He shows me that I have all the tools I need inside of me. He is the Master Mechanic and is slowly, patiently, teaching me the magic of His ways.


This inner adventure is truly the road trip of a lifetime, and it is not always easy. Whilst I recognise I haven’t mastered the art of driving this inner trail yet, I am blessed with a Master co-driver, and He assures me that ‘I’m on my Way’.

			

	


			
				


	

							
Today I Walk with the Divine Key in my Pocket
						

			 / Chloe Kyle						 / 4 Comments
								

			


		

		
Yesterday I wandered too far,


Striving for something I forgot I already had.


Fog descended, smothering the trail.


Disorientated, I stumbled, twisted my ankle, grazed my knee.


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Lost and alone, bruised and bleeding,


Waiting for the mist to lift.


I sensed the haze close in


Becoming thicker and heavier.


 


In well-thought-out plans of escape,


I became further entrapped.


Until I remembered the key you gave me,


And softened to seek your guidance within.


 


  A spark of clarity burned through the haze.


This impenetrable fog, I now see,


Is of my own creation.


And  you’ve graced me the key to its unmaking.


 


Today I walk with Shabda in my pocket,


A rare pearl charged with our love at dawn.


A love so powerful it sets me alight and radiates out.


Graced to be a vessel, divine purpose refound.


(Shabda: power of divine love in expression)